The Myth of New Motherhood
Motherhood is often painted as a joyous, life-affirming experience. But what happens when you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or even miss your old life? In this blog, Dr Sabrina Coyle our Senior Clinical Psychologist looks at why the idea of 'perfect motherhood' can feel heavy - and highlights, through psychological theory and perinatal mental health evidence, that mixed feelings are completely normal.
The Hidden Narrative: Normalising feelings of loss
Psychological theories about transitions emphasize how major life changes, like becoming a mother, often trigger a grieving for what once was. The transition to parenthood often involves:
Loss of identity and familiar rhythms - you may miss your autonomy, daily routines, professional (work) identity or the care-free self you inhabited before.
Shift in relationships - your relationship with your partner may temporarily change as your attention is redirected, expectations shift, and intimacy reduces.
Sacrifice of past joys - you may feel the loss of previously enjoyed activities, hobbies, social freedom, and opportunities for self-care.
Perinatal Mental Health
Understanding that 1 in 3 women in Ireland experience a mental health difficulty during the perinatal period can be powerfully validating. As a woman, this is one of the most vulnerable times in your life for experiencing a mental health difficulty. Adjustment difficulties are the most common difficulties experienced during this time, followed by depression and anxiety.
Psychological adjustment to new motherhood is influenced by a variety of factors such as your fertility journey, previous pregnancy loss, psychosocial stress, your own experiences of being parented in childhood and your recent birth experience. Holding all of these factors in mind highlights the delicate balance of maintaining mental health and wellbeing when you welcome a new baby to the world.
Ambivalence Is the Norm - Let’s Normalize It
Ambivalence is holding contradictory feelings such as joy and loss, coping and overwhelm. Psychological theories like the ‘dual process model of coping’ and identity reconstruction frameworks suggest that tension or grief for what’s lost alongside acceptance of what’s gained, is part of healthy adaptation.
New Mums often talk about feeling guilty for longing for some time away from their new baby. They assume that because this baby was much wanted and is much loved, they should feel only joy. Normalising ambivalence is about allowing new motherhood to encompass both losses and gains, struggles and joy. This internal dissonance is not failure, it’s adaptation.
What This Means for You
You’re not weak - you’re human. This struggle is not an exception, it’s a normative response to great change.
Your feelings are valid - loss and love can coexist. Permission to grieve the life you left behind doesn’t mean you love your baby any less.
Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. Whether through community support groups, your GP or a specialist perinatal mental health team - support exists, even if accessing it can feel challenging.
Your ambivalence isn’t toxic, it’s tender. It shows you’re going through a period of profound change and growth.
A Gentle Invitation
To every new mother reading this; allow yourself the grace of ambivalence, to feel however you feel without judgement. Remember that love can exist alongside exhaustion, hope alongside sorrow. That’s not contradictory, it’s real. In the quiet moments, the connection with your baby will grow and endure; in the grief, seeds of resilience are planted.
You’re not alone in this complex journey. And amidst the societal expectations and internal pressures, let this blog be a reminder that feeling torn, afraid, joyful, and lost all at once doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re navigating one of life’s most demanding and transformative journeys.